Loss
by Burnt Hamster
Summary: Neil's wake. My version of Todd's grief. Also a confrontation between Todd and Mr. Perry.


Todd could barely walk. He didn't even want to move. It was Charlie and Knox at each of his arms that was pushing him forward and forcing him to put one foot in front of the other. And so he followed looking down through the crowds of people. He didn't want to see their faces. They didn't matter. They couldn't save Neil. They didn't even try.

There was an emptiness inside him that he couldn't over come and didn't want to fill. To fill it up would be to rid himself of Neil. And he never wanted to be rid of Neil. The past few days he had wept with a rawness that surpassed anything he had felt before. He was broken and for a small moment life didn't seem worth living. It hurt to breath. It hurt to exist. Life was a big pulsing wound. That never mended. When ever he seemed at all fixed it would bump against something and reopen. Fresh and new like the first time. The pain so intense that it caused him to crawl into his room. And never want to leave. He could never take his life. Not after Neil had. Neil wouldn't have wanted it that way. And he wasn't sure if he did either. He still had some hope. He gave up on impressing his father years ago. That didn't matter. But he had been renewed by Neil and also by Mr. Keating. They saw something in him. And for the first time. He felt alive... And now Neil was dead. Such is life though. It hands you a small gift and rips it away. Enjoying your agony and immeasurable pain. Todd was growing bitter inside.

He didn't want to be near anyone. His heart had grown cold. These people. They didn't help Neil. In some way they had aided his death. They were the reason he was gone. They couldn't let him be! They didn't understand the depth of his soul and therefore cut it down. He had something that none of them had. He felt things that none of them could comprehend. And they killed that part of him. And Neil couldn't live without that part of him. Yes, in Todd's mind they were all responsible. Not Mr. Keating. Not the one who would be punished for it. They still didn't get it! Even after Neil had died to show them they still didn't understand! They condemned it. They said it's his passion that killed him. And by condemning what he died for they condemn him! They are the ones that killed him!

Todd pulled his head up. The action taking more effort then it should. His face was a mask of numbness, but tears betrayed him falling down his face. Dripping off his chin on to his shirt and the floor. Then he spotted him. The man that in Todd's mind, in the depths of Todd's heart was Neil's murderer. Mr. Perry walked among the crowd. A frown on his face as he graciously thanked the people who would stop him and tell him how sorry they were. Todd found himself ripping himself away from Charlie and Knox. The two sticking there arms out to the space where Todd had occupied afraid he had fallen from their grasp, then stood with their mouths open as they saw him move toward Mr. Perry. Composing themselves they quickly followed after.

Mr. Perry had moved into a more secluded hallway and Todd had followed him in. He rushed up until he was standing right in front of him. He stared at him tears pouring from his eyes until he could barely see. His eyebrows were furrowed in anger and uncontrolled grief. His breath chocked with suppressed sobs. Mr. Perry just looked down at him, as if expecting something from him. Todd said very softly, as if it was all he could force out of his mouth.

"You killed him..." The last word was a choked sob.

Mr. Perry looked indignant as he responded some what harshly "Excuse me?"

Todd's voice rose to a raw scream. So forced from his throat that it lost it's volume. "You killed him!" Todd pulled away. The pain so deep within his chest that it caused his stomach to turn and he bent in on himself. "You killed him!" He cried uncontrollable now. "You killed who he was! You killed what he loved! You killed him! When you couldn't love him you killed him! His body died because he was dead inside! Because you killed him inside! He was more magnificent then what you saw! He surpassed the small idea of life you had for him! He was more than what you wanted him to be! And by pulling him down to your pathetic level you killed him!" Charlie came from behind him and pulled Todd back. Todd didn't fight it, his eyes fixed on Mr. Perry. His voice returned to it's normal tone. Now raspy and heavy with pain. He repeated over and over. "You killed him..."

Then Todd's chest heaved with a weight that was crushing his heart. He closed his eyes as his sobs over took him and he gave into them. He went limp. Charlie's arms around his chest all that was keeping him from falling to the floor. He didn't see as Mr. Perry left, moving back into the crowd. He didn't notice as Mr. Keating grabbed one of his arms, Charlie taking the other and moved him out of sight. He didn't notice them sitting him down until they sat on either side of him. Partly to make him aware of they're presence and partly to keep him from falling over. He finally opened his eyes as his sobs started to die away.

In front of him, across the room sat Neil's casket. Todd's anger fell away. His guilt, his wondering. Leaving only the hollowness of loss. His head fell on Keating's shoulder, eyes still fixed on the black box. Tears leaking down to drip on Keating's jacket. But he wasn't aware. He felt warm from the bodies on either side of him, but that didn't help the cold he felt inside.


End file.
